Waxing Philosophic, ear hair and all

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Small Cabin Forum / Off Topic / Waxing Philosophic, ear hair and all

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Author	Message
Borrego Member	# Posted: 18 Feb 2011 09:49pm Reply Well, it seems we all have a great deal in common, both good and bad, but all part of this journey we call life. Both of my folks passed within the past 10 years, it was tough both ways (one quick and too sudden, the other slow and lingering), don't know which was worse. Thank God for single malts....... I remember coming home one particularly bad night and heading straight for the liquor cabinet. One of my sons says without missing a beat "been to grandma's, huh Dad?" Everybody hang in there........

Gary O Member	# Posted: 18 Feb 2011 09:50pm - Edited by: Gary O Reply Quoting: Erins#1Mom I helped care for my dad (chemo and radiation) for months while dealing with a drug addicted daughter. Dad has since died but the daughter drama still lives on. Welcome to tweenhood Looks like it's laundry time. Our daughter tried it all, and barely escaped her teens alive ('cause I wanted to kill her). OK, serious; She put us thru mental, spiritual, physical (up nights, looking the streets) and financial hell. The only reward is if you both live thru it. Our eldest son really blind sided us. One day, when I was working in the garage, he came up to me and said, "Dad, I think I'm going crazy", then he broke down. I put my arms around him, and explained how hard getting thru teenhood was, and life gets better, blah blah blah. I didn't know how much of a blithering idiot I was, trying to be all knowing and all. He was really trying to tell me he was crazy. At that time teens were not diagnosed with Schizophrenia, even when showing some of the signs. Five years later we were able to get him out of Salem (Yeah, One Flew Over a Coo Coo's Nest), after the babbling, fecal hand ball sessions abated with proper meds. This was a child that skipped grades, TAG programs, Menza, et al. Life has blind sides It's like going on safari...you don't know what's around the corner, but you're r-e-a-l scared... One learns to enjoy the moments. Expect to get thru it. Cause if you don't, when you do, you'll have wasted your precious time. I mean you're just a tweenager!

Gary O Member	# Posted: 19 Feb 2011 10:52am - Edited by: Gary O Reply So here we are, taking care of our folks, and our grandchildren's folks. Cabins, whether self-built or acquired, on the grid or off, still in dream stage or residence, are our mutual escape and haven, our joy. Seems life is divided up into indistinct sections of which we ease in to and out of, like a balloon coaxed thru a small opening, morphing sometimes without notice: Eating/pooping² (part 1, discovering texture) Preschool (intro to social, sharing) School (the teacher is God) Teenage (high school hell, for teen and parent, hormones are an entity requiring exorcism, the teacher is Satan) College/military (fun, fun, fun; learn, drink, fornicate, kill) Pre-parental Early adult (more fun, but serious, sipping not chugging, serious pursuits, mating, career) Parental (joy) Parental hell (see teenage) Midlife (see early adult, attempts at hindsight adjustments) Grandparent (brief joy) Grandparental hell (hiding, see teenage) Musing Youngish Geezer (lazy boy-crossword-Jeopardy sessions, looking upon mate with renewed ardour, reflecting, attempting things you did with ease years ago) Geezer (whazzat? Whoozzair?) Eating/pooping² (part 2)...Nurse!? I did it again (toothless smile) Dirt nap I've let myself be too distracted thru a good portion of these, as they kinda zipped by (aka freeway zombie), so I've learned to savor the moment of late. Is this a natural process? Are you savoring the moments, no matter the dire circumstances? Can you apply a little Wabi-Sabi (acceptance, respect) to the loss of a parent, a child, or mate? Is grief, financial plight, wayward offspring, social slight, health conditions, musing Geezers, tainting your joy or enhancing your awe of this wondrous thing called life?

bobrok Member	# Posted: 19 Feb 2011 12:15pm Reply I'm too busy laughing at your life description above to actually try to compose a thought-out reply. Just laughing....damn you're funny sometimes.

Gary O Member	# Posted: 19 Feb 2011 07:37pm Reply Quoting: bobrok Just laughing.... Welcome to the roller coaster of my frontal lobe....

naturelover66 Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 12:10am Reply Hello...... Im fairly new here as a registered user, but i have been reading the forum for some time and love it !! Gary O Youre a wonderful writer........ your wife must be very entertained by your wit. Honestly, you know what finally made my husband and I buy our very recently purchased cabin on five acres of Northern Michigan paradise ?? I had a massive heart attack while bike riding with a girl friend one night after work....... i was a healthy 42 year old.... in great shape..... didnt even have high cholesterol.... until riping chest pain stopped me in my tracks did it really hit me how life flies by ....... after the chief of cardiac surgery at a hospital five minutes away told me....... i was the fifth person in 20 years who survived their left main coronary artery rupturing..... and how i was very lucky to survive the open heart surgery.... well, im sure you can imagine..... it all changed. Everything....... the hubby, the kids ...... my job...... after a six month recovery and now living with heart and lung damage....... i told my husband we really needed to buy the cabin we dreamed of for over fifteen years. Now, sometimes just thinking of our cabin in the middle of nowhere is the only thing getting me thru those tough days. Anyway, im going on and on ....... I want to say i am thankful for every day, my family , my job in veterinary medicine which i love..... and the cabin in beautiful northern michigan which is slowly helping to heal my damaged heart. I LOVE this forum....... Wonderful group of cabin lovers here...... enjoying nature..... one day at a time.

Gary O Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 12:39am - Edited by: Gary O Reply Quoting: naturelover66 one day at a time I have no words. You used up all the good ones. Thank you nl66

Erins#1Mom	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 05:43pm Reply gary 0, I must agree with you. Naturelover66, as a nurse of 30+ years, i must say, YOU ARE BLESSED. I have learned from a friend a great way to deal with my stress: I repeat over and over until piece takes over: " Let go; Let God". Sometimes it make take 30 + minutes or more but it works!

cabingal3 Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 06:20pm Reply Dear Erins#1Mom- I am Gary O's cabin mate of 42 yrs. I have wanted to live in the woods forever.Me and Gar were together on land in the 70's in the back to land movement.we had kids and 5 acres.no building.we sold cause i did not drive and could not get the kids to school.we were growing.i did not realize then i could have home schooled them as i did my daughter later on. then we had another place and more places and gaining skills to be out there .we built many little cabins gaining skill.we took our crazed teenage girl out to the woods to take her out of the city and out of druggys all about.One day in the woods she had enough and headed to walk miles to the main road and i suppose hitch hike out and back to the big city.On the way she heard a growl and headed back pretty dog gone fast.we ended up moving back to town and she did go back and fall into drugs heavily.me a dummy.never did drugs did not know what was wrong with my kids.were they mental,were they druggys or just normal teens.our oldest boy was schizophrenic,the daughter a druggy.really into it. we would take her to rehab and we would be sitting in the classes and she would already be home waiting on the front porch for us.she had already left rehab.we went thru yrs of hell.she is 30 now.she is a hard worker ,hates drugs and we are still helping her and trying to do all we can to help her.I hear that now days these kids dont get weaned till 28 yrs old.i am always thinking this is pretty messed up.i left home at 18 and never looked back.so it is actually sort of maddening to still be helping this 30 year old woman...but we are so dog gone glad shes not on drugs anymore and she is finally working.so i sure understand what u have gone thru is not easy...keep your dream alive in your heart.somewhere along the way be looking for some cheap land.ours was 100 bucks down.and 100$ a month.i know there is cheaper land out there somewhere.read books about this subject to escape things u hate in your life.work on some skills u may need when u finally start getting to the point where u may be able to get some land.the dream keeps me going.hugs rae

bobrok Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 07:49pm Reply Cabi, you and gary have showed what wonderful parents you are by helping your children overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Don't blame yourselves for the past; be thankful you helped them.

naturelover66 Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 08:03pm Reply Erins #1Mom -- Thank you for the kind words in dealing with stress. I keep hearing from the Cardiologists "How lucky i am"..... I am now grateful for everyday and every breath. Cabingal3 -- Your words brought me to tears..... I am the Mom of two boys.. well , men now...... ages 22 and 18. I am so thankful they never did drugs...... it was my one wish daily during their years in high school....... Im so sorry for what you and Gary went thru with your children.... but , thank goodness with love and support from you ..... they survived. Just shows what a wonderful parents you are. Life can be so darn difficult....... and so beautiful at the same time. I deliver puppies one minute ........ and perform CPR on a dog five minutes later who came in hit by a car........ its crazy. Some days its too much..... too much pain . Some days are so wonderful i feel so blessed to do what i do. To be alive. We all just need to take a minute to breathe the fresh air....... tilt our chins up to the sun ( if it shows itself up here in Michigan) and take one day at a time. Naturelover66

Gary O Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 08:14pm - Edited by: Gary O Reply Quoting: bobrok Don't blame yourselves for the past; be thankful you helped them. As everyone, we've all got stuff, and it's ongoing. My concern is those that come after us. I've never been one to ruminate much on the negatives (unless I find humor in them), and my worries are pretty much nonexistant, but if I were to nurse one, it'd be that. Thanks bob, you ol' softy

Gary O Member	# Posted: 20 Feb 2011 08:22pm Reply Quoting: naturelover66 Life can be so darn difficult....... and so beautiful at the same time Thus the intent of this thread ...and without difficulty, would we savor the good?

cabingal3 Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 04:00am Reply well i dont blame myself.all i know is i want to live n the woods in my cabin....far away from my grown kids.ha ha ha. but i sure love the dickens out of those grandsons. we need to get out before the turn into teens... gar do u hear me??

Gary O Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 08:31am Reply Quoting: Erins#1Mom I repeat over and over until piece takes over: " Let go; Let God". Sometimes it make take 30 + minutes or more If I did that for 30 minutes it'd end up something like 'leggo my eggo' and large stern looking gents would soon appear at my door, coaxing me in to my new jacket............ However, if that mantra does it for you, then it's a start, and a wonderful thing....single malt scotch being another....what time is it? Gotta be 6pm somewhere...........

Gary O Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 08:37am - Edited by: Gary O Reply Quoting: cabingal3 gar do u hear me?? Yeah, that was directly into my good ear. We must hide, my mate.....take cover...storms a comin' Is 240 miles too far to Nammaw's house? One can hope Leggo my Eggo, Leggo my Eggo Leggo my Eggo, Leggo my Eggo my Eggo, Leggo my Eggo, Leggo my Eggo, Leggo my Eggo my Eggo, Leggo my Eggo...... Hi boys, what took you so long? H-e-y, nice jacket! Why so many belt buckles in the back?

naturelover66 Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 09:46am Reply OMG so funny..... but true. you guys are killin me........ lolol. Thanks for the laughs..... Naturelover66

bugs Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 01:13pm Reply Quoting: Borrego Thank God for single malts....... I remember coming home one particularly bad night and heading straight for the liquor cabinet. Could almost have written it myself. Near the ends of my parent's lives I had to decide whether drinking single malt that was old enough to vote by the tumbler full rather than sipping it by the "wee dram" was appropriate/"sacrilegious" at times like that (after visits). I decided on the former.

bushbunkie Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 03:13pm Reply Hey folks, I'm just heading into that zone with both parents cruising into their early 80's. They're healthy "swiss stock"...living on the lake...still growing their own vegetables and making their own bread, etc.....but I know what's coming....edical things starting to creep in..you know. It's reassuring to know that many of you have come through it...tired...but OK. What's frustrating to me is that they now complain about the long winters, constant upkeep and having to drive almost weekly to medical appointments...and I'm trying to get them to move off the lake now...while they are healthy enough to do it and downsize a bit...they think it's a good idea....been saying that for the last five years. My fear is that something happens to one of them and the other can't drive or maintain the property and it becomes a rush to relocate...and not a good experience for anyone. I'm trying to be helpful...realize they are quite capable of managing their own lives...but not sure how realistic some of their goals are at this point...then again...who am I to say?...It's just that I've seen it happen many times to friend's parents who have waited too long to rethink the next 10 - 15 years of their life....and end in crisis. We'll keep playing it by ear...any words of wisdom from those who've been through it??

bushbunkie Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 03:19pm Reply Naturelover66... It's with joy I read about your enthusiasm as your cabin dream unfolds for you and your husband...you've certainly found the right web site to carouse with like minded individuals. Northern Michigan is beautiful country and isn't that far away from your Canadian neighbor in Sarnia , Ontario! Cheers!

bobrok Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 05:33pm - Edited by: bobrok Reply That's a tough one, bb, and I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. It is a fluid situation with the elderly. These are not words of wisdom as much as thoughts from the heart and experience. On one hand you understandably want what is best for your folk's security and needs, but on the other hand they've been able to successfully postpone making this decision for 5 years already and you don't want to be the one to force the issue. Removing someone from their familiar and loved surroundings could have a very unintended and undesireable effect, even if they say they want to go. If you are certain that they are ready to leave do you know where they want to go? Will they live with you or just closer by? Will they move to an independent or assisted living facility? They are very independent and they still want to be in charge, but they may not be able to drive much longer. Are they beginning to have physical limitations? That could be a triggering event. Or a fall. Anything. Have you visited other living arrangements with them, other apartments, etc? What was the reaction? Were they genuinely open to the possibility of moving in, or just looking? Did you discuss with them the pros and cons of the various options? Have you spoken honestly and sincerely with them about those hard winters and long doctor drives and asked when they will be ready to leave or has it been more or less just listening to them complain? Complaining is a part of old age and as far as I'm concerned anyone who is 80 and still living on their own deserves a little leeway and has earned the right to complain. Hell, I'm only 60 and I probably complain more than they do. My thought is to have a workable plan or plans based on the answers you arrive at, but don't do anything until circumstances occur or begin occuring that allow them the opportunity to make their own decision to leave. This is not to say you shoud not nudge them in that direction. And then be ready to implement one of your plans. You don't know where that move will be to. If it is to a facility find out in advance the wait time and other qualifying requirements. When the time is right you are there to guide them into making up their own minds that 'now is the best time' and you show them here is how we can handle this. You will have the knowledge that they are moving into a better situation for their needs and that you didn't steal them from the lake. In the meantime if something serious and unexpected happens you won't find yourself scrambling. Decisions like this are best made not under duress nor during an emergency. I'm not as good as others here in conveying my thoughts to words, but I do hope this helps. bob

hattie Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 06:01pm Reply bushbunkie: Dad died suddenly in 2007 and Mom was left alone in their house. She had promised him years before that if anything happened to him she wouldn't do anything for one year to give her time to clear her head (they had been married 51 years). During that year she talked about moving here with us (she's in Ontario and we're in BC). I love my Mom and we get along great together but I also know that she would die living in an isolated place without shopping malls, etc. I suggested a condo for seniors. There was a reallly nice one near where she was currrently living. She looked at the units and loved it. Since it was close to where she had lived before, she knew all the stores and kept her doctor, dentist, etc. This made the transition much smoother for her. She's been in the condo about 2 years now and really likes it. She still really misses my Dad, but who wouldn't - he was the best. She bought a small dog (that is litter trained - huge bonus) and that has helped keep her company. I call her almost every day and we have long, wonderful talks. S She has become very active in the coffee club and the church at her condo. I wish we could live closer to Mom but I know that just isn't in the cards. We fly her out here to visit whenever we can and really enjoy the visits. I don't think there is much you can do to plan for your parents. Perhaps look around for something that better suits their needs and keep that in the back of your mind if they decide they want to move. The ultimate decision will have to be theirs when they are ready. Good luck with everything!

bushbunkie Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 06:07pm Reply Quoting: bobrok Decisions like this are best made not under duress nor during an emergency. I'm not as good as others here in conveying my thoughts to words, but I do hope this helps. bob Bob, Your words are just fine....thanks for that. BB

bushbunkie Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 06:12pm Reply Quoting: hattie I don't think there is much you can do to plan for your parents. Perhaps look around for something that better suits their needs and keep that in the back of your mind if they decide they want to move. The ultimate decision will have to be theirs when they are ready. Good luck with everything! Thanks hattie...they're pretty stubborn... so you're probably right... chances are they'll move only when they're good and ready :) As you and Bob have said...I'll just make sure I'm aware of the options available and when the time comes...

bugs Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 06:36pm Reply Not sure if I should wade into this or not. Each situation is different and all the planning can go haywire with a single restricted artery. Here is the gist of what happened to my sister (mainly my sister as she was the closest) and I. Mom and dad retired on the farm. Still driving. Then they both started having falls and the injuries piled up so finally they agreed to move into a senior's duplex. But because of the limited spaces they had to be put on a waiting list until one came open. By that time mom was in hospital and dad, still on the farm, could not take care of himself. When they did get into the senior's housing they were driving out to see the farm twice a week. A menace on the road to be sure and one bad accident and still they drove. Finally we had to get the dr to pull dad's license. Dad was incensed to say the least. Then after a couple of years dad started fading and mom could not take care off herself let alone him. He ended up in hospital and then again trying to find a place for him within the community so mom could visit him. More waiting lists and finally success and dad was safe in a nursing home. Within a year dad gave up and died. His body just wore out. 92 years of age. Then it was mom refusing to go into a full care home. Neighbours started doing everything for her and enabling her to stay at the care level she was. After many falls (3 a week) and ambulance trips she was finally forced into hospital and then the wait for the bed in a nursing home. Then she was diagnosed with liver cancer. The family dr wanted her to take all these tests etc. Thankfully a specialist I met with said she would not survive the tests so I and he agreed to keep her comfortable and let the liver cancer take its course. She passed away at 92 about eight months later. A year and a week after dad died. I find it amazing how much our hands were tied because the system could not work because they were considered competent mentally. We could not be proactive at any time to put their names down on care home lists because they refused. It was all incredibly frustrating. Once they were in the system things worked well but before then without their consent we had to let them do as they pleased. Sadly there is still a lot of bitterness toward mom and dad because they refused to let us help them and make decisions for them. Time will heal tho and the bad memories will hopefully fade and be replaced with the good ones. To quote Forest, Forest Gump: "And that is all I have to say about that."

naturelover66 Member	# Posted: 21 Feb 2011 06:41pm Reply Bushbunkie -- We here in Michigan LOVE our Canadian neighbors !!! Ive traveled to many destinations in beautiful Canada and met very friendly people. My husband and I have often dreamed of going to some of the Western Providences....... we are hopeful for the future. Are ya Hockey Lovers by chance?? We love our Red Wings ofcouse..... but during Hockey Night In Canada........ My husband and myself cant help but sing the Canadian National Anthem.......and we always love how the Canadian ppl take so much pride in their country........ always singing along . Its just beautiful. So, yeah, we love Canada........ Go Maple Leafs!!! Naturelover66

Gary O Member	# Posted: 22 Feb 2011 07:53pm - Edited by: Gary O Reply Quoting: bugs Sadly there is still a lot of bitterness toward mom and dad because they refused to let us help them and make decisions for them. It's just not too glorious comin' in or goin' out. Independent folk generally fight to keep their independence as long as they live, because they've fought and worked for it as long as they've lived. Mom left us June 2009, sudden, quick. Dad's still kickin' at 88 this March. He looks like he's in his sixties, just can't see nor hear, but if you prop him in a corner, he's lookin' pretty good, smiling, laughing out of context, like a WallMart greeter. Recently he volunteered his driver's license. I was proud of that. Macular degeneration in one eye and a detached retina (from his boxing days) in another, but he's been bombing around, getting lost for years. His 3rd wife is a couple decades younger, so he's managed a good network, and maintians a happy heart. The only unsettling thing is he gets all blubbery over incidental things. He could bust out boohooing over how good the meal was. "Boy, that was the best apple pie" eyes welling up, "Boohoohooohooo, aw, haw, haw". My brother and I never really know what to do during these episodes, so we change the subject "How 'bout them Mets"...... Again, some old country families may have the best answer in having all three generations in one house. At least loved ones would be more tolerant and less disinterested in the elder residents.

Gary O Member	# Posted: 22 Feb 2011 07:59pm Reply Oh, been a Chicago Blackhawk fan for over 45 years.

bushbunkie Member	# Posted: 22 Feb 2011 08:18pm Reply Quoting: bugs Time will heal tho and the bad memories will hopefully fade and be replaced with the good ones. To quote Forest, Forest Gump: "And that is all I have to say about that." Hey Bugs...sounds like quite the journey...thanks for sharing your story. Like you and your sister, I think a lot of the decision-making will be on my shoulders when the time comes...and would have been on my sister's as well, but I lost her to cancer a few years back....my best friend. Thank goodness my wife is good and patient with this type of planning...my two other siblings (brothers)are not. We'll see how life plays out...it's always a surprise.

bugs Member	# Posted: 22 Feb 2011 08:21pm - Edited by: bugs Reply GO Isn't it great having your own OP.... You are never off topic. Hull (Bobby, Dennis) , Makita ( not the power tools). If memory serves me right Espisito was traded from Chicago to the Bruins. The rest is history...... Henderson Scores!!!! My folks used to baby sit Keith Magnesun. That was real hockey. Six teams. Gordie Howe( Foral SK by the way current population 3 or less), Horton (same person not the doughnuts) Hodge, Frank and Peter M, Plantte, J. Bower, Evan C., Belliveau, Cheevers, Richard (sha not cha) times 2, Ferguson, Worsley, Keon, Hull ( the goalie), Ellis, Dryden (maybe a little to late) ............ I am starting to tear up.. Sniff sniff. Thanks for the memories.

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