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OutdoorFanatic
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 07:31pm
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Theres a swear word at the end but it's not a real bad one. But I hope, Hell! I know I wont offend anyone here.
So this Indian goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I no can poop.
Doctor says, "No problem Chief, take one of these pills every day and call me in a couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks later, indian calls the doc. Doc says, "HiYa Chief! Did you move yet?"
Indian says, "No, no move yet."
Doc says, "Well that's alright, you probably need to take more medicine. So just take 2 pills a day and call back in a couple of weeks." Indian says, "ok"
Couple of weeks go by and the indian calls the doc. Doc says, "Hey chief! Hows it going? Did you move yet?" Indian says, "Nope! No move yet."
Doc says, "Darn! You must have a special case." "Try taking 3 pills a day and call me in a couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks go by and the indian calls the doc. Doc says, "How ya doing chief! did you move yet?"
Indian says, "Nope! no move yet."
Doc says, Damn! I'll tell you what." Take 6 pills a day. and call me back in 2 weeks. If that dont work well have to do some test. Indian says, "ok."
Two weeks goes by and the indian calls the doc.
Doc says, "Hiya chief! Whats up? Did you move yet?
Indian says, "Nope! no move yet but move tomorrow." Doc says, "Move tomorrow?" How do you know you will move tomorrow?"
Indian says, "Because! Teepee full of shit!"
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neb
Member
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 08:38pm
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Good one! Lol
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 08:42pm
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Nice thread
I always liked this one;
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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naturelover66
Member
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 08:51pm
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Lol !
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bobrok
Member
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 09:06pm
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Ok, I've been waiting to share this.
Yeah, yeah, it's a long story, but worth the read.
The Difference Between Men and Women
A much older (and therefore much wiser) friend forwarded this to me – so if you ever find yourself on either side of this situation this might be a good reference document....
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemma check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scum balls.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
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Gary O
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 10:14pm
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My sister was reading out my parents will when she said, "Do you want to hear something funny?"
"Go on," I replied.
"Mom and Dad's house."
"I don't get it," I said confused.
"I know," She laughed. "I do.... Funny isn't it."
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bldginsp
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 10:30pm
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. There is no one else in the bar and the bartender goes in the back room. So the guy just sits with his drink and munching on peanuts.
Suddenly he hears a voice- "Oh- that haircut! It's really you! What a perfect job!"
He turns around and looks but sees no one. He continues with his drink and peanuts.
Then he hears the voice again- "That suit! You look fantastic in that suit! It's perfect for you!"
He wheels around but again sees nothing, and wonders if he's going nuts. Then the bartender comes back and the man says to him-
"Hey, I don't know if I'm going crazy or what, but I keep hearing a voice telling me how good I look, but no one is here!"
Bartender says- "Oh, it's the peanuts, they're complimentary."
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darz5150
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# Posted: 2 Jan 2016 11:41pm - Edited by: darz5150
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I heard on TV that Hollywood wanted to make a movie to help soften the image of some of the best known movie tough guys.
The movie concept was to have the movie bad a$$es portray some of the most famous music composers.
They contacted Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Swarzenegger.
Bruce said it was a good idea
"I'll be Mozart!"👵
Stallone said,
"I'll be Beethoven!"🙉
Arnold said,😎
"I'll be Bach!!!!"
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Steve_S
Member
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# Posted: 3 Jan 2016 09:26am - Edited by: Steve_S
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Bobrok, you hit a good one there on the differences between men & women... LOL !
Always good to start a day with humour ! Keep on smiling !
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bobrok
Member
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# Posted: 3 Jan 2016 11:45am
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Gonna try this one more time
Repost from my failed attempt above:
Here's something that will resonate with folks here.
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SE Ohio
Member
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# Posted: 3 Jan 2016 12:16pm
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This dog walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender and says "Hey! How about a free drink for a talking dog?"
Bartender says "Sure! Down the hall over there, first door on the right"
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OutdoorFanatic
Member
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# Posted: 4 Jan 2016 08:06pm
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Haha! All good ones.
Here's another. At least I think so
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
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Steve_S
Member
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# Posted: 5 Jan 2016 06:04am
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HAHAHA OutdoorFanatic....
Best way to start the day is to read a good joke ! THANKS
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 16 Feb 2017 08:40pm
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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers." He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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bldginsp
Member
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 12:49am - Edited by: bldginsp
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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the
mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the
Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
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toyota_mdt_tech
Member
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 09:42am - Edited by: toyota_mdt_tech
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Quoting: bobrok Here's something that will resonate with folks here.
Of course, that is fake. The Prius Plug In Hybrid can just start the gas engine and charge its own battery. The plug in hybrid (these are a rare versions) is just to avoid running the gas engine for those who do small commutes and want to use electric only, but plugging it in is totally optional.
That generator is the EU6500/7000is model, very nice unit. I own one.
OK, so I will add a joke.
What does an accountant do for constipation?
Works it out with a pencil. 
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bushbunkie
Member
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 09:50am
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I've been howlin this morning....thanks for starting my Saturday morning off, gang. We have a Family day Monday holiday here in Ontario, so even better...long weekend!
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bobrok
Member
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 03:50pm - Edited by: bobrok
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Quoting: toyota_mdt_tech Quoting: bobrok Here's something that will resonate with folks here. Of course, that is fake
We'll, this isn't! 
It's how you do it when parts are short.
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bldginsp
Member
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 04:48pm
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Vacation last year
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toyota_mdt_tech
Member
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 07:19pm
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Quoting: bobrok We'll, this isn't!
Yes, that is real. Real stupid, but it did work.
Quoting: bldginsp Vacation last year
The camper of doom.  Who signed off on the electrical inspection of that thing? 
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paulz
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# Posted: 18 Feb 2017 09:21pm
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Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. "Oh, yuck! Well, that's all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do for you."
"I haven't got the fingers," Oly said, gasping through his pain.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2017. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
"Well, geez, Doc," Oly groaned, "I couldn't pick 'em up."
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toyota_mdt_tech
Member
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# Posted: 19 Feb 2017 06:39pm
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Quoting: paulz "Well, geez, Doc," Oly groaned, "I couldn't pick 'em up."
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bldginsp
Member
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# Posted: 19 Feb 2017 07:19pm
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Cheech and Chong-
"Sign zee papers, old man!"
"No, I will not!"
(Sound of thwack, thwack, thwack)
"Sign zee papers, old man!"
"I cannot sign the papers."
"WHY?"
"Because you have broken both of my hands."
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 20 Feb 2017 09:48am
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Two hunters are out in the woods just as it’s starting to get dark. They are walking along and all of a sudden one of them yells “STOP, right now!†They had just stopped 4 inches from falling into a hole that looked to be 5 feet wide.
The other hunter says “OMG! You just saved our lives. We could have fallen into that hole. I can’t see the bottom; I wonder how deep it is?â€
“Get something to throw in the hole and we’ll see.â€
The other hunter looks around, finds an old anvil near them, picks it up and tosses it into the hole.
“Man, I haven’t heard it hit bottom yet, that’s one deep hole; let’s get away†Within 8 seconds a goat ran past them and jumped right into the hole.
“Charlie, let’s get out of here, this is some spooky place!â€
A few minutes later they come upon a farmer who asks “Hey hunters, have you seen a goat around here?â€
“Yes we did, he just ran past us really, really fast and jumped right into a big old hole!â€
“That’s impossible! I had him tied to an anvil!â€
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rockies
Member
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# Posted: 20 Feb 2017 07:12pm
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My elderly uncle had recently been placed into a nursing home so I decided to stop by one evening and visit him. Near the end of the visit the nurse came in and gave him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra. As the nurse and I stepped out into the hall I said to her, "I noticed that you gave my uncle a Viagra tablet with his hot chocolate. Isn't he a little old to be needing that sort of thing?"
The nurse said, "That's the Doctor's orders".
Curious, I called his Doctor the next day and asked him about the incident. The Doctor said "Well, the hot chocolate is to help him sleep."
"OK, I can understand that, but what about the Viagra?" I asked.
"Oh that", said the Doctor. "That's to keep him from rolling out of bed."
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 26 Apr 2017 09:27am
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A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent when he arrived.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"You're talking to him right now, Sir," replied the rancher
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ChristaStone
Member
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# Posted: 19 May 2017 02:29am
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Lolll. All are really good one. 
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hattie
Member
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# Posted: 10 Aug 2017 12:30am
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Here is your funny for the day ....
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they eceived in response to their message.
Below are some of the hilarious replies If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she.
Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?
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naturelover66
Member
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# Posted: 10 Aug 2017 06:55am
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Thanks for the laugh Hattie!!
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CabinBuilder
Admin
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# Posted: 11 Aug 2017 03:57pm
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