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DaveBell
Moderator
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 05:42pm
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*TOOLS EXPLAINED*
*DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!"
*SKIL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.
*TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
*BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:* A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short.
*HAMMER:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
*UTILITY KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
*SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:* (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Stay safe Out There!
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Wilbour
Member
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 06:22pm
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OMG! That is too funny.
I especially love the:Quoting: DaveBell *PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 07:28pm
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Love this list
I could add to it...
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Littlecooner
Member
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 08:13pm
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Have nursed a scar on the left thumb for close to 50 years now that is the correct description of a drill press. Hey, the spare tire rack for the jeep turned out ok back then, but those stitches did hurt.
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Steve_S
Member
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 09:12pm
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  What can I say, 100% Correct & THANKS for the good belly laugh.
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LoonWhisperer
Member
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 09:22pm
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Awesome! And I can relate to each and every one
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Julie2Oregon
Member
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# Posted: 10 Mar 2016 11:57pm
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Hahahaha! As a gal, I was hoping this post would be instructional. And it was!!!!! 
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Jabberwocky
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 08:35am
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Wow. Scary how many of these brought instant memories LOL
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mossberg fan
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 10:25am
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framing nailer: great tool for nailing your hand to a 2x4 :
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NorthRick
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 10:26am
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CORDLESS SCREWDRIVER: A tool designed so that the battery dies just before the last screw is driven.
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DaveBell
Moderator
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 11:42am
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*Bolt/Screw Extractors:* A hardened steel beveled drill bit tool with opposing threads that breaks off in the bolt.
*Chainsaw:* A portable gas powered tool that helps you drop a tree on your house as your wife continuously provides useful instructions.
*Workbench:* A sturdy wooden or metal table that has a rear floor-level gravity field for attracting anything you drop. Sometimes used as a condo for homeless mice and spiders. Useful as a beverage bar for garage get-togethers and barbecues.
*Five Pound Sledge Hammer:* A hand tool that helps persuade things that do not want to cooperate.
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Keith G
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 01:47pm
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Brilliant, and all too true!
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hattie
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 04:39pm
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Bob and I got a good laugh out of this one! My favourite was the last one on the list. I can attest that Bob uses that one many, many times. This is priceless!!!!
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beachman
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 08:37pm
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I have a thumb that still holds grudge to a hammer, after many years.
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rmak
Member
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# Posted: 11 Mar 2016 09:42pm
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I was drilling a piece of sheet metal with a drill press when I was 15. The drill caught a burr and laid my finger open from top to bottom. Still have the scar 50 years later. I remember my brother took me to the hospital for stitches and passed out when he was watching them sew me up.
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pizzadude
Member
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# Posted: 13 Mar 2016 12:01am
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Lol that's sweet... and true
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bldginsp
Member
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# Posted: 17 Mar 2016 01:43pm
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Hand plane- an improperly adjusted lump of metal that sits on the shelf looking impressive but is utterly useless as is.
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DaveBell
Moderator
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# Posted: 20 Jul 2017 05:48am
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Other useful Tools & Supplies for your workshop...
2 by 4 stretcher
100 feet of flight line
Adjustable needle-nose pliers
Can of compression
Chem-Light batteries
Frequency grease
Key to the vapor lock
Left handed screwdriver
Left-handed wrench
Plaid Paint
Spare Muffler Belt
Extra Sparks for the Spark Plugs
ID-10-T kit
Metric Scanner
Piston return springs
Muffler bearings
Carburetor belt
Box of spot welds
Automatic transmission clutch cable
Brass Magnets
Diesel spark plugs
Can of Antenna gain
Squelch grease
Can of Amp's
Can of Ohm's
Round Tuit
Cordless Shovel
Halogen Fluid
Can of Dial Tone
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Cowracer
Member
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# Posted: 20 Jul 2017 08:52am
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"Drill Press": A tool that makes a horizontal oil stain on your t-shirt.
"lathe": A tool that makes a vertical oil stain on your t-shirt
Tim
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NorthRick
Member
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# Posted: 20 Jul 2017 12:15pm
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There's been a few times when a "Can of Amps" would have been handy.
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 20 Jul 2017 08:33pm - Edited by: paulz
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Quoting: rmak I was drilling a piece of sheet metal with a drill press when I was 15. The drill caught a burr and laid my finger open from top to bottom. Still have the scar 50 years later. I remember my brother took me to the hospital for stitches and passed out when he was watching them sew me up.
In high school metal shop I was attempting to find the punch mark in my work piece, peering in closely while the drill press was running. This was the '70s, my hair was quite long. Long enough to snag in the chuck, pulling my head in and ripping a good size chunk of hair out of my now bleeding scalp as I frantically reached for the off button. The teacher of course made an example out of me...
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benny8
Member
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# Posted: 21 Jul 2017 07:16am
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My personal favorite is the metric adjustable wrench
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